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A funny quote can work well in your writing. However, remember to only use such quotes to demonstrate irony or for a light piece. Keep in mind for what audience you are writing -- using a comical quote for a serious subject or for a formal essay may be inappropriate.

Assorted Authors

  • “If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands” (Douglas Adams).

  • “Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead” (Erma Bombeck).

  • “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died” (Erma Bombeck).

  • “From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put” (Winston Churchill).

  • “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people” (G. K. Chesterton).

  • “Smart on paper – dumb on earth” (John Wishart).

Yogi Berra

  • “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

  • “Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”

  • “I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering that question.”

  • “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

  • “In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.”

  • “It’s like deja-vu – all over again.”

  • “You’ve got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there.”

  • “It’s so crowded, nobody goes there.”

  • “Pair up in threes.”

  • “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

George W. Bush

  • “After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week all we will have is an all-volunteer army. Let me restate that.”

  • “Whether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they’d like to be called themselves.”

  • “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”

  • “I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.”

  • “I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers not only for myself, but for my predecessors as well.”

Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

  • “Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.”

  • “In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”

  • “You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.”

  • “As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.”

  • “Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? - I'm not sure that man needs the help.”

  • “I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.”

George Carlin

  • “Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?”

  • “I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.”

  • “If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?”

  • “I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.”

  • “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms – are they afraid somebody will clean them?”

  • “If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?”

  • “Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?”

  • “Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?”

  • “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

Jeff Foxworthy

  • “If you ever start feeling that you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘You know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.”

  • “You might be a redneck if you and your dog use the same tree.”

  • “Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?”

  • “Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got, but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.”

  • “My whole career can be summed up by ‘ignorance is bliss.’ When you do not know better, you really don’t worry about failing.”

  • “Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.”

  • “There’s a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.”

  • “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”

Mike Myers

  • “Mini-Me, if I ever lost you, I would be very upset. I would cry for about 10 minutes, then get another clone. But there would still be that 10 minute period.”

  • “There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.”

  • “Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!”

  • “Why is it if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder?”

  • “I once thought that I had mono for a whole year. Turns out I was just really bored.”

Chris Rock

  • “White man makes guns, no problem. Black rapper says 'gun' -- congressional hearing.”

  • “People always say we can't have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution. No it's not! Not in America! Not with ‘Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire’ and ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘Who Wants to Marry a Midget.’”

  • “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon.’”

  • “You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. l think all bullets should cost $5,000. $5,000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5,000 there'd be no more innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ‘Damn, he must have did something. Shit, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his ass.’ People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000. Man, I’d like to blow your ... head off, if I could afford it.”

  • “You could be the baddest mama on earth…. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, ‘I’m gonna tell your daddy.’”

Will Rogers

  • “I’m not a real movie star. I still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.”

  • “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

  • “A fool and his money are often elected.”

  • “About all I can say about the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and ends with an investigation.”

  • “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.”

  • “Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”

  • “I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do now.”

  • “If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.”

Mort Sahl

  • “Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.”

  • “Washington couldn’t lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference.”

  • “A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.”

Mark Twain

  • “Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town?”

  • “Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.”

  • “Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”

  • “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”

  • “Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.”

  • “Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s I mean.”

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